Thursday, April 22, 2010

Never have I ever

Never have I ever had such a ridiculously funny trip to the Dr's office. After my "situation" a few months back of growing cysts the size of testacles after a really long bike ride I have been plagued. I have pretty much been unable to bike without serious pain. It doesn't matter how long or how short. I never healed up and really want to begin half iron training so I need to be avel to tolerate more than an hour on my bike. So off to the Dr I went. I was excited when I heard I was scheduled with the same Dr that I saw around Christmas for my bronchitis. He was awesome. His son has special needs and he not only knew what a speech therapist was but was so thankful to me for the work that I do. We connected and we had similar personalities and he got me better.

Anyways I first saw the resident and told her all about my issue. She was very thorough. I gave her the run down "yes I grew testicles a few months back, they did nothing, told me to exfoliate, but nothing ever got better and I can't ride my bike without wanting to cut off my cooter." She laughed. She got me and she took notes in her cute little pink leather book. Anyhoo she then decided to ask "anything else an issue right now." ughhhhhhh yeah how about the fact that every month about 3-4 times a month I am plagued with unfathomable diarrhea. I then told her that I even went so far as to name various stages UD(unfathomable) GD (Ghastly) and then just regular. I described in such detail. She looks horrified and asks "how long has this been going on" my reply "probably the past 10-15 years..."

Okay so cut to the Dr coming in. He laughs and says "so you have an issue with biking?" "lets cut to the chase doc, I am turning into a man." He 'takes a look' and his facial expressions were not good. I knew this was not going to be taken care of right then and there. He leaves the room in a hurry and comes back with another strange man to check out my nether regions. This man says "so i hear we have a hermaphrodite here" (these guys surely have a sense of humor and knew I did as well or they probably would lose their license). At that point I realized my phone was like under my ass. I asked if they wanted to take a picture to upload it to their facebook pages. It was getting real ridiculous and was like a romper room all the while I am sitting there in the gd stirrups.

They all take a feel and decide that I am going to have to come back (despite my pleas to just do it then and there) next week. It will be about an hour long procedure. I am still not clear if they are cysts or ingrown hairs that are just totally impacted but regardless they are going to go in there and take care of "the situation." I could not be more thrilled.

NOW lets get on to the more hilarious portion of the visit. The resident then makes the dr aware of my 'other situation.' He said "how bad is it?" My reply "doc i have pooped myself more times than I am proud of." After my explanation he seemed to be pretty convinced that I may have a parasite and that the reason it happens so cyclical and does not seem related to any particular food is that hte parasite is just going through its life cycle. So how do we determine this you ask? Well that is where the next hilarious part of this dr visit comes into play. Dr then says "well I need a sample of your warm diarrhea, like right out of you, you go and then you bring it in." Excellent. Fortunately many of my ass attacks occur at work which is close to work.

I then went to the LAB to pick up the devices in which to place my 'samples.' Now this room is the size of a closet. Its packed. I am thinking "there is no way I am going to have to explain what i need in front of all these people...they MUST take me into a private room." Somehow all of a sudden I was feeling shy and modest. The lovely indian man calls my name. Yup turns out we are going to do this in the waiting room. He starts putting these little tubes into 3 different bags. He is explaining what to do indetail to me and the other 25 people in the room. He then numbers the bags and says "this is number one, number 2 and number 3" I say "shouldn't they ALL be number 2?" hahaha at this point most of the room started laughing. I mean they were all listening anyways I may as well make a mockery out of myself. He then says "wow miss you must REALLY be struggling down there." Yes sir thank yo so much. So not only do I have to figure out how to have my ED (just thought of the other one Explosive) into a tube, but I then have to drive to the hospital and plop my 'sample' on the desk at the lab, IN FRONT of everyone there. That grosses even me out. I will have to figure out how to get those samples into those tubes....hmmn

So come next Thursday I will hopefully be free of anymore posts about biking sores. I will also have to take about 10 days off. Well 10 days off of riding cause I will have stitches but I should be able to do something....
Not thatI am hoping for a parasite but if it is that then I don't have to get the colonoscopy. I just don't know how that would go....

1 comment:

Mary IronMatron said...

This was both a hilarious post and a horrifying post! Oh, let us know how the shitting into the tube goes! YUCK!!!
I love your convo. with the doctors...You are too funny.
and re coaching. Any time you are really serious about that, drop us (ange and me) a note at our TriMoxie site. Endurance tri/running is what we specialize in... :)And I love coaching people who have a great sense of humor. The best. !! :)