screw you intestines

Wanna know something intestinal tract?! I have HAD IT WITH YOU! You have ruined way too many weekends and quite frankly I'm sick of it!

I can't drink because of you, I can't do my bike rides because of you and I am sick of getting pins and needles in my legs because I have to sit on the porcelain all day.

I am a little bitter. I was all set to go for a bike ride with my old coach and teammates when all of a sudden everything turned on me and I quickly realized that yet again I would have to back out of something because of the shits.

I guess its okay, instead I spent the day in the back yard where I knew I was close to a facility. I got lots of sun and finished reading my financial book "smart couples finish rich." I seriously recommend anyone who is as big of a moron as me when it comes to financial topics. The man who wrote the book also wrote "smart women finish rich." The book was written back when the ecomony was actually sky rocketing but I just wanted to build some knowledge there. I feel like I should start a second blog about our quest into financial stability, we are like two big idiots. It is really quite astounding to go through every dime that you spend and categorize it. One month we ACTUALLY spent $2500 on food and only about 300 was on groceries....OOPS! After being on top of it its now close to $1000. I seriously dare you to do the same. Its kind of mind blowing. WHen you are not thinking about it, it goes pretty quickly. I itemized all of our money for the past 6 months and we meet with a financial planner in a few weeks to plan out our lives.

I am digressing from my typical ridiculous stories. OH I ALMOST FORGOT my silliness of yesterday. Since my legs were trashed from my pitiful run/walk on Saturday I nixed my bike ride for an easy day on the legs. Instead I went to pilates in which it was ALL LEGS. I was dying. Then I decided I needed yoga so I went and it was a 1.5 hour class. My legs and arms were so dead I couldn't even stay in downward dog without shaking. Here is the gross part. The dude next to me actually blew snot rockets into his mat the entire class. EW. I could not even believe it, like the hot yoga classes are not unsanitary enough I have to deal with that kind of shit?! Gross. I kept giving him dirty looks but it did not seem to matter. I wanted to go out and get him a GD kleenex. Nasty. Uncalled for.

I am done for now. I do realize I complain alot and I am sorry for that but I am just so fed up with this. Its now happening like 4 times a flippin month. I just want to be able to train and feel good and be able to eat and drink to my hearts content. That is all..

a good dooby

Year after year I tell myself that I will adhere to heart rate training. But year after year it is just way more fun to actually run and chat and talk about inappropriate things with people, who are typically faster than me. After my last bout with whatever intestinal problem it is that I have, I have had a really hard time getting my fitness level back. Not that I think it should be where I was before Lavaman, BUT it should certainly not be shooting over 100%heart rate over any ole hill! I have still been doing plenty of training.

With a half marathon lurking just a week away I got rid of the negative thoughts of (screw it.. hey its still a donation to tnt even if I dont run....i don't wanna!) I decided I should go on a long run this weekend and stick to the plan. DO NOT GO CRAZY! aka keep my heart rate to a semi normal percentage. And that is what I did. I decided to do a time goal instead of a mileage goal. So I just thought eh i'll do two hours. I ran to the 101 and headed up the coast for a bit. It was a perfectly gorgeous day. THAT and my husband had the great idea to use my phone's pandora app on my run and that made it way more fun. It was like karaoke out on the streets. I kind of like to sing as loud as possible without looking like a total freak and more like someone who loves life and doesn't care who hears me.

I have to say it was hard to stay pretty close to 75% Max HR. I did still notice that on inclines it would shoot up but I would just take lots of walk breaks and felt like I did not over exert myself. I made it onto the beach a few times, got lost a few times trying to find my trails to get home.

I finally found the trails and got a friendly warning "hey rattlesnake up ahead." I got my mace ready. Of course the sucker was right there in front of me. I squirt it with my water bottle (THANK GOD I HAD SOME LEFT!) and it made the loudest rattle as it slithered away. Crisis averted! I did not want to have to call brian from the trails.
I have to say I was happy to stick to the plan today and I will try to do so with my running. I know it works out for people and that eventually they can run faster while keeping a good heartrate, but right now it feels like I have to do alot of walking. I guess thats okay....

After my 10 miles I refueled at the cutest place in Rancho Santa Fe for lunch. It was called Thyme in the ranch and had AMAZING looking pastries and deserts and yummy lunch. The chocolate chip cookie hit the spot, but twas nice sitting there smelling all the beautiful flowers growing all around the place. So cute.

Speaking of cute I am super proud of our dog, she was a trooper at the dog beach today and was swimming up a storm. She turns alot of heads I must say. She looks wimpy but the chic does not mess around. She actually puked in her mouth and still did not drop the ball, ah yes she is her mamas doggy. Nothing says summer like being covered in sand and salt water!

Happy start of summer everybody!

and the emmy goes to

The date is set people. I got the email from the producers today that my episode of Wipeout will air July 20th! Set those DVR's! I can only imagine what kind of ridiculous ass I will look like and i'm sure my friends and family will get a few laughs out of it as well as the rest of America. Apparently they send a bunch of pictures too once the episode airs.

I was really hoping my episode would be early so that when People magazine has the pages of upcoming tv shows that my picture would be in it. Probably my only shot at being in People, unless I start hooking up with Tiger.

breathe in breathe out

Queef: Noun: the expulsion of air from the vagina aka a vaginal fart

After a morning bike trainer session I was feeling rather tight and opted for a hot yoga class. Its been a while. So long that they told me that my membership was expired, I pleaded telling them i hurt my shoulder and could not come so they are at least giving me another month to use up the 8 more sessions I have left.

Anyways I spend the entire hour pretty much dreading this pose. This pose is horriffic and makes me all nervous, worried that I am going to accidentally suck in some air....down there....and when I come out it will not sound pleasant. That is pretty much why I have to constantly change yoga places. Once this happens I feel shamed and never go back. But damn its funny when its someone else!!!!

Namaste you sweaty boob grabbing bastards! (i am surrrrrrrrre it was not on purpose but the gentleman to my left totally grabbed my boob when he was going into airplane pose. sicko

i'm baaaaaaaaaaaaack

I feel better. I feel kind of silly for all the complaining knowing good and well that lots of people have it way worse than I do. But when you are in the moment its tough not to dwell. My apologies to anyone who is suffering. really. One of my honored teammates who pretty much trains through cancer pretty much put things into perspective for me. I could not get an appt with the gastro dr til the end of June so I will not have a firm diagnosis until then. I will likely have to shit myself at least 10 times by then. But I am not complaining just stating the facts.

Towards the end of the week I got back to working out and swam a few times and got on the trainer. Saturday I went out for a ride that I have done TONS of times with LG. It was a great day to ride, there was a bike race going on so lots of riders. This also meant there were even more disgruntled drivers. Now my friend is not the best law abiding citizen when it comes to bike riding. THis means we usually get sworn at and honked at quite a bit. It feels kind of like home. Anyways it was a great ride, but wow I am already out of shape. My legs were like jello on the way back. Not only that but my heart rate monitor ACTUALLY got up to 100% going up the hills in my neighborhood. It was silly. I have a half marathon in two frickin weeks. I am not sure how this is going to happen but I paid alot of money for it so I am doing it. Today I just did a run walk and it was nuts how slow I had to go to stay under 75%. Oh well. It will come back to me eventually. Hoping all goes well with the tummy this month so I can get back in action for my half marathon and next triathlon.

After tons of searching for some patio furniture I found this beauty on craigslist. The great thing was that it was super cheap AND it was only a few blocks away. I have to laugh though because we hauled it all in my VW convertible. This is funny because my hubs wanted a big SUV so we could "haul stuff" yet all the stuff we have had to haul has had to go in the convertible. Best decision EVER!

Go Celtics!

namaste my ass

These posts are mostly going to be so that I recall in detail to my Dr's exactly what I am feeling. Typically I find that the way things work for me here in California are that by the time I see the specialist my issues are gone and I can't recall how terrible they were. I am pretty aggravated that I still can't call the gastro until thursday and lord only knows how long it will be to get the colonoscopy. For a normal person this would suck. But for someone whose body literally breaks down when it can't exercise this is no good. I get moody, depressed, almost always throw out my back and way more stressed because my only stress relief is to exercise.

I have had adequate energy to make it through a work day, but the kids have been shockingly mellow. I thought I would attempt to "workout" today. I got on the trainer in the house and rode very easy for about 20 minutes. First 10 were uncomfortable then I was okay, then the pain came. So I got off and got prepared for a much needed massage.

I have been busy getting contact info for people with crohns and colitis so I can get prepared for that possible diagnosis. I will be shocked if it isn't. And with the shock I will be pissed. I just still cannot figure out how or why no other dr has referred me to a gastro. I have been complaining of this issue for AT LEAST 5 years. I guess its just getting to the point now where it is screwing with my quality of life that I finally got insistent. The Dr I am dealing with now is kind of making me feel like a pain in the ass with my questions. However if Dr's weren't such morons my mother may actually still be alive. So there is always that playing in my head.

I do not know how people cope with serious illness. For about 24 hours I freaked that I may have the big C, and it was awful. I cannot imagine what people actually go through hearing that..talk about stress. Turns out my labs were only "slightly abnormal" and nothing to worry about. Thank goodness. Its no fun spending life waiting for bad news, but I guess thats just how i'm wired. Geesh when did I get so negative? Gosh I really need exercise back in my life. SEcond thought I need YOGA back in my life. Good thing I teach it tomorrow at school! Namaste everybody!

over it

Well since I got back from Boston I have pretty much been super sick. I got yet another ass attack on Tuesday night which led to me feeling horrible Wednesday and it kind of has gone downhill since then. I had to take Thursday and Friday off from work. On both of those days I had to drive downtown anyways to make a "deposit" to the dr's laboratory. I saw the Dr again on Thursday and they made a referral for me to the gastro Dr and gave me some more bloodwork.

I have zero energy, have gotten off the couch just a handful of times in 4 days and am now completely nauseous along with all my other problems. I got the bloodwork back via email and its clear that my body is fighting some kind of infection but since its the weekend I just have to sit and wait (and google all the terrifying things that the results could mean). I am pretty convinced at this point that I have Crohns, but there is no way of knowing until I get the colonoscopy. I will be scheduling that as soon as my referral goes through on Thursday.

I constantly feel like I have awful hunger pains, yet can't really eat or drink cause then when I do, I feel even worse. Its pretty awesome. Really hoping I can get to work tomorrow. I am not even contemplating working out right now and could care less about the fact that I have two races fast approaching. I just need to get better.

I officially do not think that diarrhea or anything to do with it is funny, especially when I have had to shit into a plastic bag and sift through it and then drive a half hour with it in my car and plop it on the front desk of my dr's office. Okay maybe thats a little funny but really I am totally over it at this point.

Where to begin?

Lets me just get the grossness out of the way first. We all know by now I have a tempermental stomach. WELL I flew into Boston on a red eye on Friday night. I decided I was going to do this a new way, on pills. I popped the same pill they gave me for the MRI, in the hopes I would get some sleep. It worked I was relaxed and think I actually got some shut eye. At one point during the flight I "came to" as I put it. I decided to pop another pill. Not a smart idea because we were descending and I just didn't realize it. I walked through Logan high out of my mind. I LOVE PILLS! Going to turn into Dr House soon I think.

Here comes the grossness. Boston had a PW situation (poopy water). Of course I did not realize this until I was already half in the bag at my friends bachelorette party. I knew the shit would hit the fan for me eventually. I just didn't realize it would happen so soon. The news said sickness should not set in for 7 days but I was ill the very next day and pretty much the entire week home. Excellent. In between trips to the bathroom I was able to see lots of people and most importantly to spend time with my niece. She now has a complex and thinks that everytime I leave the room I am "goin to california." Oh bestill my heart. Poor E-beth ended up in the hospital with a stomach bug as well by the end of vaca. We did manage to squeek in a sleepover in which I found out that she turns into a black belted ninja in her sleep. She had me up ALL night karate chopping me and grappling in her sleep. Priceless though. Apparently she thinks she is coming to Cali for "belle's birthday" and is "so sited" ie so excited to come. That would be nice.

It is always amazing to see my friends and family and its always fun to surprise people. People make a much bigger deal when you come to visit from far away! It was an amazing week and a wonderful wedding. I tried to win the contest that didn't exist of the "#1 bridesmaid" I think I took the title with my ridiculous antics throughout the day. Every bride needs someone to take the edge off through the day and perhaps throw salami on their breasts for the photographer. Photos to come.